I live my life in a state of loss. A loss so deep I can't possibly understand its weight and permanence. I can't get Liesl back. The confusion of that truth is too much to bear. We have lost someone irreplaceable. Someone perfect. I miss her bright eyes, her wry smile, her soft hair, her sweet earthy smell, her perfectly placed teeth, her tapered fingers, her bubbly toes, her puffy arms, and her dimpled legs. I miss her voice, her noise, and her movement. I miss her spirit. She lit up our home.
How do you stop mothering one of your children? I wish I didn't know. I wish it didn't all just stop one day. No warning, no notice. Gone. I wish I didn't ache for her. I wish I didn't cry every day about a problem that will never go away. I wish that bitter, angry, jealous, hurt, and confused feelings didn't come into my heart. That we didn't have to know this pain and walk this painful, lonely path. I wish I could hold her just one more time. Just to spend a few more hours. I wish I wish I wish.
I originally sat down to share these joyful, darling pictures of our beautiful Liesl and I am determined to do so. They show her as she was. Full of life, happiness, and adventure.
Always loved and always missed.
