My Dad

I have put off writing this post for a long time, but I know that I need to write it before baby girl comes on Tuesday.  My sweet dad passed away unexpectedly on August 20th.  He and I were involved in a car accident that ultimately took his life.  A friend told me that it takes a full year before your mind can even comprehend that a loved one has passed away.  I tend to agree with her.  This year was supposed to be a year that we spent together because, as shocking as it still is to believe, Matt unexpectedly received a job transfer to Provo at the beginning of August.  We arrived here on August 14th and dad and I were hit by a careless driver on August 15th.

We were so sad to move yet again, but we turned our focus to spending the next few years living close to my parents and enjoying holidays, outings, and normal life with them.  That alternate reality where there was no accident is so achingly clear in my heart and mind.  But we feel that the Lord brought us here at this time to support my mom and that our circuitous path led us here because He loves her and my dad so much.  And while it's not how we expected it, our new reality is sweet and has many blessings.  The boys have adjusted very well to school and life here, Matt is loving his new job, and, while I fractured my pelvis and got a concussion in the accident, the baby and I are both doing well.  We also feel very blessed to be able to share so many special moments with my mom, who is such a loving, gracious mother and grandmother.

I am sure that I will be posting more about my dad in the coming months and always, but I couldn't post about this new sweet baby this week without posting first about my dear dad.  My life will never be the same because of his life and now because of his death.  I miss and love him so very much.

It happened again!

Like the very same thing!

Well, not the very same thing.  This time the real, live baby in my tummy is a girl one!  Coming on 11/12/13...planning is one of the few good things about c-sections.  We are very excited and super shocked.  A lot of people have been coming up high five-ing us and saying things like, "you finally got the girl!" or "I bet you're relieved!", but we really went for a fourth kid to have a fourth kid.  In fact, I'd thought so much about a fourth boy that I'm feeling a bit nostalgic.  Like, no more little baby boys in this outfit?!  When you get three deep into a gender it's a bit hard to imagine switching.  That being said, we are so excited to have a daughter and we hope that somehow we'll figure it all out.  I mean, I am a girl, after all. 

We are very grateful that she seems to be healthy and is plenty squirmy.  Here's to the brave new world of girls (gulp).  Hello sweet baby!

(Just like when Nico did it, the above picture of Benjamin was entirely unstaged.  He just wanted to relate.)

8 is great

It really is.  Happy birthday to my sweet Jacob-man.  You continue to be a total joy and also a welcome challenge.  Your personality is vibrant, exuberant, and curious.  As we continue in our extended course in "human training" it's so exciting to see you begin to develop greater kindness and empathy.  You're becoming a boy with more perspective and purpose each day.  I am grateful that I get to be your mom. 

We had a birthday party for Jacob on Saturday (putt-putt, backyard baseball, pizza, cake & ice cream, presents and Phineas & Ferb) and Jacob said something for the ages that I have to share.  I typically make our birthday cakes (often from a mix) and home make frosting (yummmmm) because I think store bakery frosting tastes like tar (Jacob does, too).  I say that to let you know that I have no great Pinterest dreams.  I have simple and functional dreams.  Most of our cakes are rustic looking at best, but you could eat a bowl of the frosting!

So, baking "at altitude" is awful.  Especially cakes.  No matter how much I adjust it they come out weird every time.  And since I'm not in the business of making cakes at times other than birthdays generally, there's no improvement from one cake to the next.  Jacob's cake came out as a big crumb shedding mess.  The worst yet.  I had planned on just frosting his cake white and putting some licorice on it to make it look like a baseball.  Easy!  Whimsical!  Done!  However, the cake was almost unfrostable.  I became agitated and frustrated as I attempted to just get the thing covered in frosting. To add insult to injury I lost my piping bag in the move...so it was a zip lock with the piping tip for me.  And so his name turned out terribly.  No bigs tho, right? 

About an hour after frosting it this happened:

All those crumbs just couldn't band together and resist gravity.  I felt really bad about his cake fissure.  Really sorry to produce a cake that was well beyond rustic.  I told him that I was sorry and he said, "But Mom, it's still cake!!" I loved seeing his sweet face and realizing that, yes, it's still cake!  Yummy cake with rock star frosting!  His optimism was lovely and so grown up.  And there are a few sage life lessons there for the taking.  Jacob is reading this while I write it and wanted me to add that, "the cake was yummy!".

I love you, darling.  Thank you for being irresistibly "Jacob" every day. 

Here's Jacob being "Jacob", in case you were wondering

 Celebrating after a hole-in-one

 The golfers

Baby Benj is Three!

He's finally come to terms with the fact that he's not five and is embracing this new year of three-dom. 

I had a lot of deep thoughts on his birthday, but for now I just have to say that Ben is wonderful. Thoughtful, friendly, bright and loving. I can't imagine life without him. I love you my birthday boy!

(Here he is on the morning of his birthday opening "Froggy" from my parents...a replica of a stuffed frog they have that he fell hard for on our last trip to Utah. Reunited and it feels so good.)

Lovin' on some lovies

The other day was PJ day at Jacob's school. Fun days at his school (like PJ day or "crazy" day) are pay to play...50 cents!  But I coughed up for the good of the school (?) and for his enjoyment.  They were allowed to bring one stuffed animal.

Jacob brought this disgusting stuffed rhino whose mangled horn he chews on.

Nico then struck this cute pose with his best good friend, "doggie".  Doggie is a beanie baby from heaven knows where. He found it about a month after we moved here and Doggie is now an integral part of our family. And also pretty disgusting.

Ben then ran and got his stuffy, because Jacob and Nico aren't allowed to do ANYTHING without being copied.  (That's where the "you are a poopy head" comments Ben's been cracking off come from, too.) Yes, we bought them Stuffies for Christmas.  They have been a big hit for cuddling, hiding stuff and having "Stuffy Wars".  Stuffy wars are sort of like jousting, but with stuffies.  They always end in tears.  Every single time.

I just had to post these pictures tonight.  It's very easy to be too busy to see just how beautiful these boys are.  Also, they move so fast and can be so dang loud that it's easier to see their beauty in still pictures.  They are so dear and I am very grateful for each of them...idiosyncrasies and all. 

Eh? Eh?

Does anyone else think that Benjamin's eyes look like anime eyes?! 

Ya dig?

(I realize this picture is an immediate repeat...but seriously!  Those eyes!!)

Photogenicocityness

Benjamin's personality is so dear.  I love this pretty little man. 

In honor of the snow

That keeps falling and falling and falling all over our spring. You know, the saying "April showers bring May flowers" has always meant RAIN showers to me.  I guess not in Colorado.  It's actually been an unseasonably snowy April here, but we're anticipating our 3rd or 4th snow storm of the month tomorrow and I'm bummed.  Especially since we bought Braves/Rockies tickets for tomorrow night!  But I'm grateful for the moisture and grateful for how quickly our snow cover melts off.  Having a snowstorm on Monday and then a comfortable park day (50-60 degrees) by Friday is not too bad.

But I digress...in honor of the "spring weather" I give you some sweet pictures of the boys after playing outside in the snow.  I love their tired, content, red-cheeked happiness.

Poor little blog

I've neglected it for so long that I've started to get spam comments. Is that like weeds in a garden? Or mold on food? I don't know, but it has shaken me out of my stupor (at least for tonight). I will tend this little patch still! This valuable little patch of internet full of stories and memories.

I don't know exactly why I haven't been blogging, but I think I know the main cause.  I think it has something to do with complexity. While I still have a toddler who is so awesomely toddler-ish (and deserves better documentation of said awesomeness), I also have older kids. My subject matter isn't "all cuteness all the time". It's nuanced. Concerns about Jacob's ability to empathize with others or Nico's height delay are messier than, my baby sat in a basket today! 

And yes, the big'uns still say and do funny, adorable, and cute things all day, but lately my mind is sort of drawn to weightier, more thoughtful aspects of our life.  Perhaps that's what moving a million times will do.  I'm still playing catch up with our life and I'm very prone to introspection.

Also, texting, emailing and posting phone pictures is so easy and, shall we say, not complex that I find that easier to swing.  Because seriously, I'm not capable of writing a short blog post.  (Sorry.)

Before I start in on some more introspectin' I'll just say that I have so many little moments with these boys to share.  Hopefully I can move into the next phase of motherhood and bloggerhood with grace and wisdom.  These boys are worth the effort.

(How many posts like this have I done?  "I love my blog!" and "I need to write more!"  We'll see if this one spurs any new, great consistency in posting or if it just made me feel good.)

A few nice pictures

 Ben with something on his head.

 
Jacob playing some basketball.

 
Nico being silly.

And then, Shazam!  Thanks Nico.  This picture rocks.  And you rock, man.  You rock.

I am re-spons-able

Now time for Jacob.  He's been on my mind, bordering on weighing on it, lately.  Jacob is such a delightful firecracker.  He's interested, inquiring, excited, and active.  He's also homeschooling right now.  I don't think I've mentioned that here.  It's not something I wear on my sleeve, it's more just something that made sense with our move and his temperament.  Oh the moves.  Sigh.  I still have some transition fatigue. 

Anyway, while home schooling (we're doing K12 through the state) has had a lot of benefits, I think its useful life has ended.  I'm glad we listened to his concerns, I'm glad we tried it, and I'm glad we've had more time at home.  It's a great resource and philosophy that I really value.  And it is special to be with my boy more.  I wish it were more magical than it is as there are a lot of moments of nagging and frustration, but that's really motherhood in general, isn't it?  Isn't it?!?? 

I've decided that with schooling choices you are often choosing which positives and negatives you would prefer in your life.  There are some huge benefits to both home school and traditional school.  And some real problems with both.  But we're considering putting him into school here in a few weeks.  The little boys need me more.  And Jacob and I need to enjoy our time together and spend less time with "the curriculum" (said the way Major Monogram says "the academy"). 

That being said, we really loved Jacob's grade schools in Chicago and Little Rock.  I especially loved his teacher and the culture in Little Rock.  The PTA was amazing and the kids were really good kids. The principal was way way way larger than life.  She often seemed more like a caricature or an emcee.  But she'd go from singing a warbling solo at the Christmas concert to doling out suspensions to the unruly and unrepentant in a heartbeat. 

The school had an assembly every morning before school to satiate Ms. Carter's emcee-ness and each morning they sang a different hip hoppy, character building song.  Here is a video of my favorite (and the funniest) of the songs.  This is long and probably not interesting to many of you.  But at least go to minute 2:40 to hear the mantra they would scream every time they sang it.  I love it, man.  Ms. Carter's voice is the woman's voice on the micrphone.  Listen closely at 2:59.

Oh, and here's a short video from their Christmas concert.  Can anyone see Jacob and his happy hands?  (I'm sorry the filming is so shaky, but seriously, it was hard to keep it together.  You're pretty much done with the action after the first 10 seconds.)

Sweet Jacob.  I love you, baby.  I'm hoping and praying and working to do right by you. 

Oh Nico of spring 2008

I could eat you for breakfast.

A few notes:
1.  Nicholas was almost one year old at this time.
2.  He had already had one haircut by this time.
3.  Cheeks, cheeks, cheeks!!!
4.  These pictures bring back such (almost) painfully dear memories of our life in Atlanta.  Our funny little house with two little baby boys.  The old toys, activities and clothes honestly feel from a bygone era.  Oh oh oh, how simple and sweet it was (and how complex I'm sure it seemed). 
5.  Excuse another nostalgia post.  I just keep feelin' it. So much of our life has been put on this blog, but there are little moments and stories untold that I cherish and that I want to remember. 
6.  Jacob was also darling at this time, but Nick stole the show here.  Another post, man.  Another post.
7.  My favorite picture?  Hands down the one with him yawning in the green sweat suit.