How can you be the best and the worst at the same time?

Just be Benjamin lately!  

I hate to say this, but he's just turned sort of awful!  But he's also just terribly, terribly cute!  Even in a super small Alabama onesie!  But again, so terrible!  Throwing toys, hitting Nico, screaming in the car, pulling Nico off of his chair at the table, dumping bins of toys we've just cleaned up, pushing Nico off of the little kid picnic table.  Do you see a trend?  Destruction and Nico.  That pretty much sums it up.

Except for his cuteness, you dig?  He's still cute.  Ridiculously so!  It's just so confusing!  I mean, one minute I'm offering him an apple and he points at it and says "baple" and "da"* and the next minute he's throwing the plate across the room and swearing at me in Russian!  Or whatever language he speaks!

People usually react to hearing that I have three boys by saying, "You have your hands full" or "You're one busy mom" or they simply just shudder.  Still, until about, oh, um, 2 days ago I really felt like I only had 2 boys and 1 baby.  I don't anymore.  It's three boys.  Three boys who might not be fluent in Russian, but who are fluent in the languages of throwing, screaming, teasing, jumping, and being pills.  Not all of the time, but now that Benjo's thrown his hat into the ring it's gettin' crazy up in here! 

Help me.  I miss my baby so much.

*("Yes" in Benjaminese is "da".  Benjaminese is a slavic tongue I guess.)

You need to know

That sometimes Benjamin's hair is really, really curly.

That sometimes he likes to look out the window and smile at passers by.

And that sometimes he sits in 60 year old arm chairs to read (and chew) books.

Grandma

I think I've written 100 blog posts in my mind over the past month.  100 posts about the boys, moving, travel, Chicago, family, and friends.  We've done a lot of living in a short period of time.  In fact, we were in 4 states in 4 weeks.  In the midst of all of this motion we were brought back to Utah early because my paternal grandmother passed away unexpectedly at the end of April.  I feel like I just can't blog about anything else until I honor her here a bit, particularly on Mother's Day.

Grandma was my friend.  I have spent hours on her couch or sitting at her kitchen bar, often with a diet Sprite in hand, talking with her about her life and mine.  I loved to hear her stories.  They were always so optimistic and truly inspiring.  It was so fun to spend time with her.  She told me about growing up modestly in a mining town.  She told me about her life as a young mother of two young boys in Pleasant Grove, Utah while her husband served in World War II.  She told me about life with twins (my dad and his twin sister) in the days before fertility treatments when twins were a very rare commodity.  In fact, she didn't even know (although she suspected) that she was carrying twins until their birth!  

She also had experienced the loss of her parents, my Grandpa, and her oldest son.  It was so meaningful to hear her memories of those who had gone before.  By the end of her life she somewhat bemoaned the fact that she was "left behind" by all of these loved ones.  I learned so much about her strength learning of the years that she cared for Grandpa when he was ill.  She was a strong, loving, faithful woman.  

She shared herself with me.  And with all of her grandchildren.  She delighted in us.  I am the 13th of 14 grandchildren (and the 11th girl), and yet she made things special and cared for me as if I were her first.  She treated all of us as favorites...because we all were.  I know this didn't change her feelings for me, but I always felt honored to be named Robyn in honor of her family, the Robbins family.

Grandma was very talented and had many hobbies and interests, including crochet, kitting, reading, oil painting, and canning.  She was a caregiver and a nurturer.  She also, as crazy as this sounds, made the BEST CARROT STICKS EVER.  (Cut them from nice, big, real carrots and then put them in a bowl with ice cubes.  Perfection!)

She was enthusiastic about my life and loved to hear my own little stories.  One of my favorite memories of Grandma was a constant in our visits.  When I would tell her about a funny experience or story she would have such a delighted smile and almost mouth the words of the story while I told it.  And when the punchline came she would always laugh as if it were the funniest thing she'd ever heard.  She gave heartfelt, firm hugs.  She let you know you mattered to her.  

The kids and I were coming to spend the month of May in Utah anyway while we wait for our house in Little Rock, and I feel heartsick and cheated that I won't get to spend this month with her as I'd been so looking forward to.  Last summer, when the boys and I lived with mom and dad during Matt's internship, I had the opportunity to go visit her almost every week with baby Benjamin.  He stole her heart.  I'd bring this new little baby to her house and he'd just coo and charm for a few hours while we talked.  They were truly sweet times.  

While I can't seem to believe that we won't get to spend more time together, I'm grateful for the time we had and I'm so happy for her that she is now reunited with those who have gone before.  Happy that she could go quickly and not linger or be ill for long.  And Grandma adamantly did not want to linger.  I'm happy for the life that she lived.  I love her so much and I miss her.  

We had the chance to help prepare a video of pictures of Grandma's life.  Indulge me as I share a few pictures of my lovely Grandma.  It's amazing to see how the world changed in Grandma's lifetime.  Oh, and these pictures are chronological, but they do skip entire decades of her life.  Sorry.

With her parents and siblings.  Grandma's the little girl on the right.

In high school

She and Grandpa were high school sweethearts.

So cute

This is the picture my Grandpa carried with him while he was serving in World War II

Grandma alone with her two older boys during the war.

I just love this picture.  This is Grandma with my Uncle Jay, who passed away shortly after Matt and I got married.  They were so close always and this picture is darling.

Grandma and Grandpa with their twins.  Grandma says that the doctor let Grandpa know that she had twins by simply coming into the waiting room and holding up two fingers.  When I asked her how he felt about having twins she said, "Well, you know Grandpa always loved a deal.  Two for one!"

All of their children.

A little older.  My dad is the overalled boy in the front.  Does anyone see some Benjamin in him?

Years later, with their children all grown up.  Check out my dad's Dwight look!  (Top right.  Follow the goldenrod.)

With Grandpa

My large, serene face in Grandma's lap with Jana preening in the background.

Wearing a wig.  Me, not Grandma.

Skip a few decades...Grandma welcoming me home from a trip to Mexico.  I just love the look on her face.

Grandma playing with Jacob at her house.  Jacob was 3 in this picture.

Here are a few pictures taken during her last year.  She was 90 years old and died on her husband's birthday.  It felt like a little signal from Grandma that it was her time.  And what a present for Grandpa.

Grandma with baby Benjamin last summer.  My baby who looked like her baby (my dad).

This baby

This baby is growing up.  In a big way.  He started waving today.  His hair is thickening.  He giggles.  He crawls super fast.  He blows 30 raspberries a day. 













He eats 30 million cheerios a day. 



Oh yeah, and he can also cheer for the team!  (Thanks to J.J., Josh and Barbie for introducing this to him.)

Touchdown!!!!  (Sorry for the super grainy phone pics.)

The Face Diet

September 2009 (1st day of preschool)













August 2009 (Cake face)













January 2011 (Ghost face)

The big boy is emerging...all gangly-like. Thin arms, thin legs, thin tummy, thin face and huge eyes.

Apparently a tan doesn't make you look thin and three bowls of cereal EVERY MORNING don't make you fat.

An end and a beginning

Long, overly-sentimental post below. You've been warned.

In two short months we are moving. From Chicago. Gasp. And we are moving to, um, to, um oh I'd better just spit it out...to Arkansas!

Matt is graduating from the University of Chicago in March and we are unexpectedly and happily heading south. We are so very grateful that Matt got a great job in Little Rock. A job that is just what he wants to do. A job that will allow him to come home by 5:30 most nights. And a job that will pay for a moving company to pack up my house and move us. Woot woo!

All that aside, I am still a little stunned about the, um, locale. I mean, Arkansas? It just has never, ever, ever been on my radar. When our friends, the Clives, got a job at the Walmart head offices and moved there (to an Arkansas city 3 hours from Little Rock) it crept onto the edge of my radar, but only the edge. Waaaay out there.

I really already wrote about this two years ago (below the pics of my bathing babies). And let me just say, for those of you who linked over and read that post, that the Arkansas news feels like New Jersey. A lot! It came from way out of left field. It's also missing the "cool factor" and the years long preparation that Chicago and Atlanta had so it's even harder to embrace it sight unseen.

But really, I think the hardest part is that I am someone who puts down roots, dang it! It almost hurts to think of leaving because I have worked hard to belong here. And to love it here. Not that I do either all that well... I can see myself in a cartoon form with a big hand pulling me out of the ground with a bunch of little roots at my feet. Each one is labeled with things I'll miss. And each is screaming in agony. (Drama!) Hyde Park Produce, the Metra train into the city, tree lined streets, cool old homes and architecture, the sailboats on the lake, the Museum of Science and Industry, the lake, the skyline, the restaurants, museum campus, the tot lot, the parks (oh, the parks!), our day to day rhythms and routines, apartment building living, Jacob's school, our church congregation, our community of friends, the view from our window, walking everywhere we go...so very much! The length of this list aside, it's virtually impossible for me to describe what I'll miss. But waves of emotion are breaking over me. Tears might be falling.

Additionally, with Jacob starting kindergarten and the birth of Benjamin, our third child, we are a very different family than the one that moved here. Matt and I are now thirtysomethings (young ones!). And our family is growing up. Cue more sentiment. Moving means we are moving into a new phase of family life. A phase I welcome, but that I can't believe has come. When we moved here little Nico had just barely learned how to walk. More roots screaming in agony...

A few pictures of our first moments in Chicago at the park outside of our building.




























And while, again, it hurts to move we are honestly barely fitting into the life we built here two and a half years ago. Throwing the kids into the stroller and taking the train into town just isn't as realistic with a school aged kid, a preschooler, and a baby with unflinchingly rigid sleeping and feeding needs. Also, all sentiment aside, this growing family (when the mother is being realistic) is very ready to welcome the many wonderful things this move will bring. The least of which include a dishwasher, washer/dryer and back yard. Oh who am I kidding, and a garage, central heat and air, wall to wall carpet, a garbage disposal, and a garbage can that isn't 8 floors away. I'd by lying if part of me isn't thrilled to move.

But, when I research Little Rock I honestly wonder if they even have the internet. Information is pretty sparse. And then the panic starts. What is Little Rock like? Will the kids make friends? Will I make friends? Will our house be nice? Will we like the school? How long will we live there? WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!! (gasp, pant.)

As I mentioned before, and I will take this to the bank, I remember when New Jersey didn't feel like home. I remember when Atlanta didn't feel like home. I remember when Chicago didn't feel like home. And I remember the beautiful moments when they suddenly felt like home. It's hard to believe that my Chicago life, that I was terrified to enter, is now my welcome, comfortable world that I am heartbroken to leave. Matt jokes that home is where your underwear drawer is. Not where you grew up, but where you're living right now. The place where you live, labor, love AND store your underwear. We are so fortunate to have so much to bring with us on our journey to Arkansas: family, the gospel, relationships, memories, traditions...so much! (Do I add an underwear joke here? Or is it too much? Hmmm.) It's just hard to realize that those things are enough. But, they are. Moving to a new city has a wonderful way of helping you realize what matters most.

And now, with no beautifully choreographed conclusion paragraph, and before I get too sentimental (too late!), I give you our Chicago Bucket List. A lot of it we've done before. None of it is terribly unique, but here she is:

1. Architectural boat tour (I've already done this, but Matt hasn't, and it was awesome!)
2. Adler planetarium (I've heard mixed reviews of this, but I think my space-centric kids will enjoy it. And somehow, we've never gone!)
3. Ice Skating on the Midway
4. Go to a taping of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me (Already bought the tickets! It's funny, when we moved here this was high on our list of things to do...two years later and we're barely squeaking it in.)
5. Garfield Conservatory
6. Our regular museum revisits: MSI, Children's, Notebaerte (I want to see if the kids are still terrified of the butterfly haven. Especially the ones "with eyes". The horror! They've shunned the haven every time we've visited.), the Art Institute, the Field, Lincoln Park Zoo. The Works! I don't know if this is a realistic goal, but I'm up for the challenge. Jacob might start really playing hooky.
7. Trader Joe's (This has always been at our disposal, but it's been a pain to go and so we haven't utilized it enough. If you can imagine, Little Rock doesn't have one!)
8. This restaurant (chilaquilis, pupusas, oh my!) and a few others both new and old to us
9. Buckingham Fountain one last time (when it thaws)
10. Millennium Park (another revisit, but this was a fairly regular haunt our only summer in Chicago...memories!)
11. Dinner in Chinatown

More things will probably crop up, but for now we'll leave it at that.

Thanks for listening. (sob.)

An extra, when we were driving into the neighborhood on our first day we told Jacob there was a park next to our building. He was so excited and when we got out of the car he asked, "Is that the park?!"


















Um, no sweetie. So cute.

I love you like I love a day at Disneyland

Sure, there might be lines. And you might have to walk a lot. And the churro vendor might be out. And your favorite ride might be closed for repairs. And you will definitely have to hear "It's a Small World" one too many times. But, really, honestly, it's a pretty rock star day.

Nicholas is my Disneyland-day boy. Exciting, tiring, and lots of fun. Sure, there are hard things, but it ain't no thing with him. He's quick to redirect, he's cuddly, he's sweet, he's playful, he's imaginative, and he's thoughtful.

I love this boy*. I feel like this stage is slipping through my fingers. Oh please don't grow older. I wouldn't change a thing.

Except for the no churros.

























*As I love all of my boys.

Ben-zilla!

As of this week he stands! And he subsequently destroys peaceful games of Uno on the couch and carefully laid out trains (or cars) on beds.

By the way, in our house fastidiously selected and arranged groupings of cars or trains are common. Especially in beds.

There's a New Baby in Town

Join me as I continue my blogging walk down memory lane. Just can't get enough...

I'm sorry, when did this happen? Whoah.

September 2008














November 2010













Whoah!!!































And you, my little toothie wonder, weren't even a twinkle in your mother's eye.













Whoah indeed.