I live my life in a state of loss. A loss so deep I can't possibly understand its weight and permanence. I can't get Liesl back. The confusion of that truth is too much to bear. We have lost someone irreplaceable. Someone perfect. I miss her bright eyes, her wry smile, her soft hair, her sweet earthy smell, her perfectly placed teeth, her tapered fingers, her bubbly toes, her puffy arms, and her dimpled legs. I miss her voice, her noise, and her movement. I miss her spirit. She lit up our home.
How do you stop mothering one of your children? I wish I didn't know. I wish it didn't all just stop one day. No warning, no notice. Gone. I wish I didn't ache for her. I wish I didn't cry every day about a problem that will never go away. I wish that bitter, angry, jealous, hurt, and confused feelings didn't come into my heart. That we didn't have to know this pain and walk this painful, lonely path. I wish I could hold her just one more time. Just to spend a few more hours. I wish I wish I wish.
I originally sat down to share these joyful, darling pictures of our beautiful Liesl and I am determined to do so. They show her as she was. Full of life, happiness, and adventure.
Always loved and always missed.
8 comments:
I am crying for you...I agree, I wish you did not know this pain. I love these pictures. It is such a cute vignette of real life with that sweet little girl. It's so cute to see her all over the couch, playing with the boys and toys. Darling. I love you. I'm so sorry you have to miss your girl each day.
Tears here also. The pain is so palpable, and if I could I would take it all away. Such a sweet bubbly precious little girl who was loved and adored every day of her earthly life. I love you.
Such a sweet and beautiful girl! I, too, wish that this painful path wasn't yours to travel. I came across this poem a few days ago, and it made me think of you and Leisl.
http://m.poemhunter.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all/
Tears, prayers, thoughts, and love from me.
Can only send love to you, Matt and the boys. We love so deeply and that is why pain is so real. I love these pictures of Liesl on the move and interacting with her brothers. Such a precious spirit and such precious memories. Thanks for sharing.
Robyn,
You've always been so good at capturing the everyday moments. I'm so deeply sorry that you have to experience such pain. I hope that the pain won't be so frequent and that you can still find happiness in the everyday moments with your boys and Matt. Love you Robyn.
Oh amen and ditto again to everyone's comments. So many tears and sorrow for you. I am so incredibly sorry for this horrible, terribly unfair, awful path you are on. I so WISH that all your wishes would come true right now! Oh the pain and sadness is so great. I am so sorry my dear friend. But I know there is some comfort that someday, that great "someday!", that many of your deepest wishes will come true. I cannot wait for that day for you. My heart just breaks for you now though, so unfair. Again you capture things so real, so perfect. I'm so glad you shared these precious, sweet, and awesome pictures. Thank goodness for every little picture, every recording, every video...everything huh!?! I hope they bring you great comfort. This little collage is awesome and so fun. I love how they were all interacting with each other. I love each of the boy's different reactions-so fun. What a precious moment. I will continue to pray for you that somehow your tremendous pain will be lifted and that you will be carried along. I am so sorry my friend. I love you so much.
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