Liesl was full of life. She had a wry sense of humor and was always in motion. She was just becoming a full fledged toddler when she died. She held my finger when she walked with me, she smiled at everyone she loved, she cried at everyone she didn't know, she hugged my legs whenever she walked by me, she was silly, she threw tantrums, she was loving, exasperating, and just what I wanted her to be. My life feels so empty without her. In my experience as a mom the family revolves around a baby until they turn 2. You simply are with them all of the time while your other kids come in and out of that constancy. She was my buddy.
In the months before Liesl died I would look at my boys, whose childhood is such a dear and ongoing experience for me, and feel sad to see them growing up in their own ways. I was proud of their newfound independence and skill, but I missed the days when each of them was my toddler buddy. At those moments when they were riding bikes or reading chapter books like a pro I would look at Liesl and give thanks that my role as mother still included a baby. It felt normal and right that my boys were beginning the long process of growing into young men and it felt like such a gift to cherish the babyhood of our Liesl.
I was so excited for the next few years. Thrilled to have my baby by my side. And yet it was not meant to be. We lost our girl so quickly and unexpectedly that I have a painfully sweet and tender idea of how the next few years were going to be. I had made plans and had hopes that will never be realized. It was a joyful path that lay before us. It feels as though our path has been destroyed, but I can't really say that seeing my three beautiful sons and my loving husband here with me. We are all looking at the future with heavy hearts as we try to pick up the threads of life and carry on.
The stillness of life has been so excruciating since Liesl got sick. She was vibrant until the day came that she wasn't. Suddenly she was still. No movement, no laughter, not even awake. I miss still Liesl though. I miss my baby in any condition. She was beautiful in those final hours. Such a complete angel.
I wish so much that I could have her back and that we could resume the life we were living. In my prayers I always mention that I want her back. Sort of the way someone hints about a gift they want to receive. How I wish I could have her right now. My perfect gift.
4 comments:
Oh Sweetheart, I wish you could have your gift. She will be a beautiful gift that you just have to wait for a little longer. In the timing of eternity I have faith that that is a short amount of time, Here and now it feels like forever..."are we there yet?" I know you will have a lot of time with your not-still baby, your perfect baby, your bubbly baby, your sweet baby, your sometimes cranky like all babies are, baby. You will not miss any of it. I have that faith, It has changed so much over the past few weeks. What I thought I knew, I now K-N-O-W. (said like the boss in Emmett Otter) I love you. My heart aches for you.
Robyn, I've been thinking of you much this week. I wonder how you are. I wonder if you are able to wake each morning and carry on. I hope so. I'm so sorry there is so much heartache. I wish I could help relieve it somehow. I hope there is someone to help take care of you when, I know, there are still so many that need to be taken care of by you. Love you and hope to see you soon.
Robyn, all I can say is I love you and I'm so sad for your loss. Know that you have so many loved ones thinking about you and praying for your family.
Oh Robyn....I read your beautiful posts and tears still stream down my face and I can't even write. I keep having to wait until I can pull myself together enough. But again, thank you so much for sharing-you do such an amazing, amazing job at it and have such a gift. It helps me understand more and also helps me realize similar thoughts or feelings that I never thought about putting into words but you capture and say so beautifully. And to count my blessings more and to have more patience and perspective.
And I just again want to say Amen to everyone's comments. I think about you so often too and wonder how do you cope w/ each day. And I so wonder how your precious boys are doing and handling this? I so hope you are all scooped up in love by others and are seriously being carried through. I too hope this is a 'short' time in the scheme of things. It has to come soon. I think I would be asking the same plea in all of my prayers too.
I am so incredibly sorry. I so wish I could help in some way too. I pray for you every day still and will continue to pray for you, all of you. I have great faith too that you will have much more time w/ your perfect little angel. Oh again you captured everything so well and so wonderful. I can just imagine how sweet and vibrant Liesl was and was becoming! I love and cherish 'toddler buddies" it is just a way of life it seems. Its hard not to imagine a different life. I am so sorry you have to experience such a stark difference. I too ache for you.
Sending you all my best through every little holiday, new season, and change...aww everything rips and pulls at your heart and soul...it seems like the world is just out to rub salt in your wounds. I am so sorry. I pray you can cope and manage and be filled with peace, comfort, and strength and esp hope and love. You are in my prayers. I love you so much~*
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